The Satan-worshipping dogs who run Comcast Cable in Dallas have just about destroyed my TV-viewing schedule. Constant outages. And during sweeps! Does Nielsen know about this? Oh, the humanity!

Caught "Joe Millionaire" just in time to see the Cameron Diaz-like slice of Eurotrash named Olinda getting the boot (and how appropriate is that in Italy?). Are all women in Europe as greasy and rude as this bambina? Her finest attribute was the talent to smoke, chew gum and drink in her sleep. When she was awake, she was complaining or working on her suntan. Bye-bye, Olinda. Head back to the alley behind the brothel whence you were born.

"Rich Girls" is horrible-beautiful in so many ways. Jamie, the 18-going-on-50 "honors student," thinks Ben Franklin invented the lightbulb. Her pal Ally Hilfiger, daughter of the twit "who invented cargo pants," says that in a past life she hopes she was a tree. Well, dahling, we know you weren't Marie Curie. And frankly, trees have higher IQs than either of these over-pampered Park Avenue wenches. When they're not drinking, smoking and chewing gum (cue Olinda!), they shopping for high-priced threads and riding around in limos complimenting themselves for "being nice to the help." These two make Jessica Simpson look like... hmmm...Madeleine Albright?