Mark Burnett's messing with my head, man. On the CBS teleconference Friday, he admitted that his inspiration for this season's "Survivor" was "Pirates of the Caribbean." Thus, the pirate theme, the back-from-the-dead return of the ousted castaways. Burnett tries to stay one or 20 steps ahead of the competition -- and of the viewers who think they've figured out "Survivor" and its tactics. And that's why this show's so good. By the way, Osten? You're a puss. You big guys with muscles never make it on this show. Osten now holds the dubious honor of being the first contestant ever to walk away from "Survivor." And he walked away whining.

"Rich Girls"? Yowza. You'd think with all that money, Jamie and Ally would be cuter. Three grand for a prom dress? If only my dad had invented cargo pants.

"Joe Average"? Those network people need to get out into middle America more often. These guys aren't such oddballs. They look like 99 percent of the male populace. Bald, a little chubby, nearsighted, clumsy. Welcome to my world. The George Costanzas outnumber the Evan Marriott's a million to one. These are the men who are husband material, girls. These are the guys who won't screw around, won't have midlife crises, will keep a job, will be good dads, will give you nice jewelry on your anniversary. Salt of the earth, these fellows. And I say, bring 'em on! Milena should be so lucky as to land one of these gents. The Rob Campos types could hold a candle to them.