"I don't read books." So said handsome Jim, the second to last hunk to vie for the affections of Larissa on "Average Joe." And with that, Larissa, bless her book-readin' heart, sent him packing back to his messy apartment in Scottsdale. Dude, a TV crew is coming over, along with the woman you say you love -- PUT SOME SHEETS ON THE BED! VACUUM UP THE DOG HAIR! TAKE THE BLOW-UP DOLL OUT OF THE KITCHEN. Doofus.

Larissa, trying to determine if there was any there there inside the gorgeous frame of Jim, asked him what his favorite book was. Uh, the dude don't read. And when she pressed him on other private details, he said, "You can't ask me all these questions."

Look closely. Behind Jim's big blue eyes is a pretty aquarium full of pretty little fish. Just fwimming and fwimming where his brain orta be.

His ousting leaves Gil, the cold-as-ice blonde from Florida, and "Broy-an," the homeland security agent from Baw-ston. If Larissa had a lick o' sense, and we all know she probably doesn't, she'd pick Brian and let him worship her for the next 50 years. The guy has admitted he's 31 and never had a relationship (is he a voy-jun?) with a woman. If he got Larissa, she'd never have to lift a finger or earn a nickel. She'd be his trophy wife for life. Larissa, for God's sake! Pick Brian! A man like Gil will be cheating on you in a week. Rule of life No. 51: Two good-looking people can never be successful as a couple. One half of the couple has to be a little homelier than the other. That's just how it is. Don't argue with me on this.

Catie the weeper, bye-bye. Last night's "America's Next Top Model" had the remaining model wannabes getting acting lessons from one of Tyra's pals. Only thing is, she was teaching them to cry on cue. If there's any talent these skinny wenches have, it's being able to summon buckets of tears anytime they want. Shandi was boohooing like Meryl Streep making Sophie's choice. Meanwhile, Camille keeps the attitude flying and in the big acting scene with the hunkboy from "ATWT," she froze like a iceberg. Still, even with the emoting and the protruding hipbones and scary Janice Dickinson wielding her eyebrows like lethal weapons, it's the best show to watch on Tuesday night.

"American Idol" -- feh. All eight singers this week were chopped liver.

"Real World San Diego" continues to amaze. We're watching the self-destruction of Frankie, the flame-haired vixen whose pierced lips are never far from a liquor bottle, a lit cig or some boy's mouth. And this is the girl with cystic fibrosis. By the end of the season, RW's second funeral perhaps.

And if you haven't forgotten Colin from "Real World Hawaii," you might want to check out his "coming out" announcement on colinsworld.com. He basically flings open the closet doors and details every gay sexual encounter he's had over the past 10 years, including a few that took place out of camera range during his time in the RW house. And we thought Ruthie was the only homo in that house. 'Course, that whiny Amaya probably helped Colin make his decision to switch teams. She was a scourge to womanhood.

Didn't watch "Littlest Groom." Wasn't that the subtitle of Liza and David's wedding?

Even top models get the blues. And unlike the rest of us, who reach for chocolate and chips and cheeseburgers to quell our sadness, these girls eschew all food and instead curl up on fake-fur pillows in decorator colors and weep like babies. Poor little models. Poor, sad little models. Let us all weep for their weeping, for there is no sadness like the sadness of models.

On Tyra Banks' "America's Next Top Model" on UPN, the remaining contestant-slash-future-super-models-married-to-ugly-rock-stars are falling apart at their bony seams. Shandi weeps for her druggie past and for doing time for robbery. She is the black sheep of her family. Her mommy and daddy never hugged her. We are sad for her. Very, very sad. Camille is upset because all the other models think she's a bitch. Tyra called her a diva. The photographer, Nigel, called her hard to work with and "dead in the eyes." Can there be more sadness than a model with dead eyes? Melissa (?) has lupus, which makes her saddest of all. Her body is "attacking itself." (For joy, I'm not the only one!) She needs her mommy. Another model plumbs the depths of all human emotion because her father is Japanese and her mother is Anglo and blonde. She, the model, doesn't know what ethnic group to associate with -- so she chooses to align with all models who are sad. Her exotic eyes weep big tears. And Xiomara (or "Oxymoron," as my friend Ed has dubbed her) sobs because she's a big ugly woman with teeth like a mule. She will never grace the cover of Vogue or strut her pony legs down the runway in Milan. She will go back to modeling for art classes and working part-time at a health club. Sara, who calls herself "Persian," cries like mad because her Muslim father will "disown" her when he finds out she's posing naked and exposing her flesh to that arm of Satan called the fashion industry. And Catie, weepy, weepy. In the "aqua tank" shoot, she even managed to cry underwater.

Has there EVER been a better show on UPN? (I wouldn't know. This is the first show I've ever watched on UPN.)

A few words about this week's "Real World: San Diego." Big-Boobs has all the makings of a psycho. She did a night in jail for public drunkenness and beating up a Marine. So how does she atone? She goes right back to the bars, gets raving drunk and tells her beloved, the floppy-haired Randi, that she hopes he "Fucking dies!" The girl needs truckloads of medication. And maybe her own show.

First, a moment of silence in recognition of "Real World" creator-producer Mary Ellis Bunim, who died recently at the age of 57. Brilliant woman. Pretty much invented the whole reality TV genre -- and kept it growing on MTV for about a decade before the idiot broadcast networks finally wised up and started exploiting it. Bunim-Murray Productions has given us "Real World," "Road Rules" and "The Simple Life," to name a few.

OK, down to bidness. I am still exhausted from a weekend of reality-gasms, including the "Survivor All-Stars" debut (postponed till nearly 10 p.m. by some stupid football game), "America's Next Top Model," "Average Joe" and "My BFOF."

Memos to each. To All-Stars: Use Kathy's glasses to make fire. Sun shines through glasses, makes tinder burn, makes fire start. Fire lets you boil the bad water. (Idiots.)

To America's Next Top Models: Give Shandi a sandwich. Give Xiomara a kick in the ass.

To the Average Joes: You don't have a chance against the Hunks. Realize now that your dates with Larissa will be the last time you get to sit near, talk to or possibly kiss a woman who isn't wearing sensible shoes and a nametag. Without risking a Temporary Restraining Order, that is.

To the producers of "My BFOF": I love you and want to have your babies. Brilliant TV! Steve and his family (all actors) are the funniest bunch of hicks in a mansion since "The Beverly Hillbillies." I predict the "sister" will attempt suicide and "dad" will hit on Randi. Let's all go to the fancy eatin' table and after that, the cement pond!