Even top models get the blues. And unlike the rest of us, who reach for chocolate and chips and cheeseburgers to quell our sadness, these girls eschew all food and instead curl up on fake-fur pillows in decorator colors and weep like babies. Poor little models. Poor, sad little models. Let us all weep for their weeping, for there is no sadness like the sadness of models.

On Tyra Banks' "America's Next Top Model" on UPN, the remaining contestant-slash-future-super-models-married-to-ugly-rock-stars are falling apart at their bony seams. Shandi weeps for her druggie past and for doing time for robbery. She is the black sheep of her family. Her mommy and daddy never hugged her. We are sad for her. Very, very sad. Camille is upset because all the other models think she's a bitch. Tyra called her a diva. The photographer, Nigel, called her hard to work with and "dead in the eyes." Can there be more sadness than a model with dead eyes? Melissa (?) has lupus, which makes her saddest of all. Her body is "attacking itself." (For joy, I'm not the only one!) She needs her mommy. Another model plumbs the depths of all human emotion because her father is Japanese and her mother is Anglo and blonde. She, the model, doesn't know what ethnic group to associate with -- so she chooses to align with all models who are sad. Her exotic eyes weep big tears. And Xiomara (or "Oxymoron," as my friend Ed has dubbed her) sobs because she's a big ugly woman with teeth like a mule. She will never grace the cover of Vogue or strut her pony legs down the runway in Milan. She will go back to modeling for art classes and working part-time at a health club. Sara, who calls herself "Persian," cries like mad because her Muslim father will "disown" her when he finds out she's posing naked and exposing her flesh to that arm of Satan called the fashion industry. And Catie, weepy, weepy. In the "aqua tank" shoot, she even managed to cry underwater.

Has there EVER been a better show on UPN? (I wouldn't know. This is the first show I've ever watched on UPN.)

A few words about this week's "Real World: San Diego." Big-Boobs has all the makings of a psycho. She did a night in jail for public drunkenness and beating up a Marine. So how does she atone? She goes right back to the bars, gets raving drunk and tells her beloved, the floppy-haired Randi, that she hopes he "Fucking dies!" The girl needs truckloads of medication. And maybe her own show.