"Real World" gets little enough credit for launching TV's reality trend -- OK, it took the networks about 10 years to catch up with MTV, but at least they finally got the message that we viewers ENJOY watching real folk make huge fools of themselves on camera. "RW/San Diego" proves that there's life in the old show yet. This week, TWO, count 'em, TWO RW-ers were arrested on camera ON THE SAME NIGHT (which seems to be about four or five days into the residency of the seven stranded castaways, I mean, roommates). The Hooters girl from Tampa and the big-toothed Yankee boy both got thrown in the clink for being waaaaay too drunk to make any sense. The gal -- yes, the same one who used the N-word to Jacquese a couple of weeks back -- wailed on a dude in the bar, scratching up his face and neck. He called the fuzz and they nabbed her as she stumbled into the parking lot, wearing the same shit-eatin' grin I've seen on some of my college students when they're lyin' about where they were on the day the rest of the chumps were taking the mid-term.

What was funny was, the other drunky roomies stagger back to the mega-condo, where they wake up Jacquese and tell him that Yankee boy is in the slammer. They don't even realize that big-boobs has been cuffed and arrested. She calls at 4 a.m., crying and slurring, saying she thinks she's in Mexico! Gotta love that. So over the edge, she thinks she's over the border.

Tune in next week to find out if they make bail for her (set at 8 grand, for battery charges) and if Yankee boy can stay sober past breakfast. Also Cystic Fibro girl was pawing the OTHER white meat, I mean, guy, while THEY were both toasted.

I'm tellin' ya, Jacquese is the ONLY one of these seven with a lick of sense. Except maybe for the Asian girl, who gets about 1/8 second of airtime a week.

Way to go, "RW"!

Think Simon Cowell is mean? How about Janice Dickinson, one of the panel of "judges" on "America's Next Top Model" (UPN)? "You walk like a linebacker," the aging supermodel and former druggie told one of the bony contestants this week. Show host and producer Tyra Banks has even less patience with the tall, terrified and obviously underweight girls pony-stepping down her runway. "You can't walk! You need help with your walk," says Tyra (who told my friend Bruce recently that when she first started modeling, she was called "Fivehead" because her forehead was so big).

The wannabe supermodels live together in a Manhattan loft (no need for a kitchen! who eats?). They pose for glamour photos (sometimes in the altogether) and they submit to microscopic scrutiny by the panel of judges. One of the girls -- Shandy? Shelly? -- works at a WalMart back home. Out of makeup, she looks like the pathetic creature nobody wanted to sit with in high school lunchroom. In makeup, she's a stunner. But her confidence is zero and she walks like a giraffe with a rock in its hoof.

So far they've kicked off the Christian girl (no nude shots for her!) and the one with the fake breasts (hello, Hooters job!). Word on the 'net is that everyone blows off some steam (and no telling what else) in a free-for-all orgy this week. You can almost hear the bones clanking now.

Too many! Too many! And what a week it has been for the reality biz. The Average Joes had their tiny Hawaiian paradise invaded by eight gorgeous examples of eugenics. "They're cloning themselves," moaned one of the poor "Joes" as the hunks strode through the door. And the tiny little Joe, the one who resembles a Hobbit with bifocals -- were those tears welling up in his little bloodshot eyes?

"My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance" is one of those genius Fox shows where they take the reality show premise and turn it in on itself. So the girl thinks she's in on the joke, but really she's the butt of it. Don't know how it will last for more than two or three weeks. The actor playing her fake intended is just too, too good at being disgusting.

And the old standby, "American Idol," returned with a vengeance. And with even less talented auditioners than in seasons past. As Simon stated, "America is suffering from a huge epidemic of self-esteem." All these sad kids, thinking they can sing. Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to sing pop songs.

"The Apprentice," the Donald Trump show, is instantly addicting. Well cast. Nicely plotted with tasks assigned to the men's and women's teams. Couldn't ask for a better study of group dynamics. As usual, the women bitch and backstab and use sex as their weapon, and then buckle down and work together to get the thing done. The men just bitch and backstab and act all Type-A about everything. It's a dick-swinging free-for-all that makes all the men look ridiculous and petty. No teamwork there. When Jason, the leader of the men's team last week, refused to call the head of MarquisJet because "we don't have time," you had a perfect example of the stubborn male mentality. They know better. They steam ahead. Why talk to the actual client? They lost.

How disappointing! I tune into "Celebrity Mole" expecting to see Cindy Crawford, Richard Thomas, Enrique Iglesias and Aaron Neville and what do I find? Corbin Bersen? Tracey Gold? Stephen Baldwin! As far as I can tell, not one of them has so much as a pimple or blackhead, much less a full-fledged mole.

"Extreme Makeover." If I actually wanted to see bodies this ugly for entertainment, I'd stop showering in the dark.

"Living it up with Ali and Jack!" How will Ali and Jack ever live it down?

And Regis Philbin's cat died. Doesn't that automatically raise the national alert level to red?

It's the attack of the shnooks again on "Average Joe." Almost too painful to watch. The beauty queen Barbie doll looked like she'd drunk an arsenic-tini when the short, the fat and the ugly piled off the bus. Mike Myers couldn't have created a band of trolls as stumbling-bumbling, stuttering-fluttering as this one. There's the 90-pound geek who jumps on the furniture out of sheer joy for being allowed to leave his basement mailroom and interact with a woman who doesn't have a plastic plug holding her air in. There's the goonybird who has braces on his yellow teeth. Several sets of man-boobs. A guy with a beard shaved in the shape of a star. One who has his hair swept back in a greasy mullet. Where are the Fab Five? Emergency!

Suddenly feels good to be single.

Watched "World Idol." Glad the Norwegian hobbit won. He'd fit right in on "Average Joe" lookswise, but he did have a pure, powerful voice. Once again, the voting public proves that talent wins over looks on this show. The hunk from South Africa finished somewhere in the middle.

Waiting for the next "Survivor"....