The Red Menace is gone at last. John Stevens, the Van Johnson of his generation, was sent home from "American Idol" after many excruciating weeks of public humiliation and off-key crooning. Poor kid. Deer. Headlights. Every time. But the tweeners loved him. Fox, if they've been paying attention, should sign him to a role on "The O.C." as the sensitive kid next door. Remember the curly-haired boy on "My So-Called Life"? The one who was hopelessly in love with Angela (Claire Danes) but too shy to say it? That's the John Stevens role on any teen-targeted drama.

The annoying nasality of Paula Abdul makes me want to claw wallpaper. She has nerve criticizing anyone else's "pitchy" voice when hers sounds like she's storing marshmallows in her throat and has a nose full of goo. Before it's all over, Simon will beat her about the head and shoulders. You watch.

"The Bachelor"? Pffffft. The guy's a putz. And the Trish types of the world? They always get what they want. Good looking men loooooove the bitch-goddess.

"Made" with the faux-Olsen sisters? Completely MADE my point that the youngsters these days want stardom without effort, reward without dues-paying. They were shocked that they would have to audition! Learn lines! Get criticism! Get over it, girls. go back to your parents' mansion in St. Louis and play with your hair and lose your virginity to the quarterback. (Fast-forward five years from now when the "Gerber girls" -- that was their name -- are nominated for the first time... as best new-cummers at the Adult Video Awards.)

Best TV of the past month -- the all-day Harold Lloyd marathon on TCM. Brilliant. H'wood should make a Lloyd bio-pic toot sweet. Perfect casting -- Hank Azaria.