Twat rhymes with bat

...at least that's how Gordon Ramsay pronounced it when he told a young chef he was acting like the biggest one in Britain. That was on Ramsay Revisited on BBC-America. Now I'm dying to call someone a twa-aat.

I'll start with the 14 living in the Big Brother 6 house on CBS. Tonight's big super-secret revelation: There's a secret room in the house. Ooooooh. I'm shaking from the excitement. Each summer's BB looks like last summer's. There they are, eating PB&J and complaining about it. There they are, lolling around the dinky pool. There they are, sacked out on the furniture, not doing a dadgum thing. Oh, wait. That's my house, not BB's. Tonight's installment unfolded sans Julie Chen. Thank you, Eye Network!

The prettiest people on reali-TV are the young golden-flanked gods and goddesses of MTV's Laguna Beach. What a gene pool rests there on the cliffside roosts of Orange County. They all have those cutesy names: Kristin, Talan, Jordan, Stephen, Lauren. As long as it ends in an "N," they're in. Can't wait to see if Stephen hooks up with the old g-friend or if he engages in prolonged kiss-and-whine sessions with "LC." These kids are so physically perfect, it burns my retinas to look at them too long.

Jonathan the hairstylist-star of Blow Out on Bravo cries more than Susan Lucci at Emmy time. The shampoo bottles with his name on them are in -- boohooooohooo! He talks to his therapist about feeling like a fraud -- boooohooohooo! He needs a serious slapping. Then rinse and repeat.