TV's doody bubbles

This week's Being Bobby Brown found Nippy and Bobby camping with the fam. Completely forgetting that she was wearing a mike pack, Nip led Bobster down to the riverside, cuddled up to his camo-clad chest and whispered, "Take me over there" -- the other side of the river -- "Behind a tree. You could work me over."

And in the background, chubby little Bobby Kristina, their sweet and probably embarrassed-for-life-by-her-parents daughter, gamboled around the campsite, fists dripping with hamburger grease.

It wasn't quite as horrifying as Bobby telling the camera that he once dug a "doody bubble" out of Nippy's butt -- but it was right up there! Or down there, as the case may be.

Laguna Beach is back! Nobody doodies there. They hire undocumented workers to do it for them. But isn't it swell that MTV's docu-reality-drama about the future Botox consumers of Orange County has returned for a second season? We find Kristin, the self-absorbed blond last seen snuggling with pretty-boy Stephen (which she pronounces "STE-vu-uhn") now blowing and ho'ing her way through her senior year at Stepford High, still surrounded by yes-girls. In a completely contrived-for-cameras "reunion" of last year's seniors over Christmas break 2004, we find out that lovely "LC," Kristin's rival for the hot lovin' of Stephen (who, mark my words, will at the age of 30 be married in Canada to an investment banker named Chad), has flunked out of her first year of college in San Fran. We also see that Morgan is still the group's token fat girl, which makes me sad. Because if seeing yourself on MTV looking like the only lonely moose among the marigolds doesn't send you to Jenny Craig or the lap-band doc, what will?

Hell's Kitchen served up a hot little number last night as spiky-haired chefette Jessica was reunited with her girlfriend. Viewers got a long dose of lez-love as the two smooched on each other like they were sucking cherry Slurpees through the same straw. Who knew Chef Ramsay was so lez-friendly? The final two on the cook-off next week are spider-armed Michael and maniacally grinning Ralph. I'm pulling for Michael and his tattoos because he just cares so damn much about every souffle and rarebit that he plops on a plate.

And this week's biggest doody bubble goes to CBS, for turning BB6 into the most unwatchable piece of merde on teevee. Remember the good old days of evil Dr. Will or the one-legged dude from Brooklyn? I say lock the door, don't give them any more food and three or four months from now, we'll have ourselves the first cannibal feast on any network.

Speaking of eating, give me more celebrity fatties on VH1! Gary Busey, current star of Celebrity Fat Farm or whatever it's called, has become the scary guy at the end of the block. You know, the one who sits in a folding chair in his driveway all night because he's sure your kids are stealing his garbage cans. Something bad wrong with that boy. The pavement done kept part o' his brain in that wreck a few years ago. He almost hit the Snapple lady! What's with that?

Janice Dickinson tried to crawl out a window to escape Bronson Pinchot on Surreal Life the other night. Well, wouldn't you?