Send me to Brat Camp

I love Brat Camp on ABC so much that I want to go there on my next vacation. Not that I'm addicted to Ritalin or steal from my mom or am "out of control," as the on-screen IDs tell us about Isaiah and Lexie and the rest of the screwed-up kids sent to sort out their troubles in the Oregon wilderness. No, I just want to go there and learn cool stuff like "bow-drilling" to make fire. And I want "Fire Shaper," the cutest counselor, to pitch a tent for me, if you get my dreeft.

Email arrives from Mark Teitel of "Mark and Shoe," two of the finalists on Bravo's Situation: Comedy. He read my post about my dating history (pathetic though it was) with one of the five finalists on that Sean Hayes-produced reality series. Ugh. I need a month hiking in blizzards at Brat Camp to erase those memories. Anyway, because Mark took the time to type to me, his pilot Sperm Donor is now my favorite sitcom-in-development. Hope it finds a network ovum to latch onto. It's pregnant with possibilities. Oh, I could go on. But I won't.

ABC's whore-ridden Hooking Up is like Elimidate without the booze and big tits. Or Blind Date without the funny, dancing graphics. These chicks try to find husbands by dating sniveling dorks they meet on the Internet. It's like Girl-Meets-Potential-Psychotic-Stalker. And all the girls talk with those nasal-dripping babygirl voices.

This week's Real World: Austin could serve as the prequel to Real World: Rehab. If these kids did anything but drink, hump and sleep, I wouldn't worry about them so much. What world do they live in where nobody ever reads a book, shares a coherent thought or thinks about someone other than themselves? Oh, yeah. The world of 20-year-olds. I hope they all die in a pool of their own vomit.

And speaking of new drinking games: Everytime one of the pretty idiots on Laguna Beach calls somebody "Dude," have a shot of Cuervo. You won't last till the first commercial break.

Take me to the wilderness! Fire Shaper, you can bow-drill me anytime!