So Erin Brodie on "For Love or Money" can look at that oily-haired sleazewad Rob Campos, listen to him say "I'm crazy about you" with less enthusiasm than I use to order a caesar wrap at Schlotzky's and then she KEEPS HIM in the game. Some women redefine "dumb" when it comes to love. If the camera pulled in close-up on Rob's eyes, you'd see the soul of Faust staring back. Have two people ever sold their souls faster for the chance at some filthy luchre?

Yes, of course, they have and they would be called "The Family" on ABC. This is the one where the Joisey clan, who never meet a fractured verb tense they didn't love, are battling against the "secret board of trustees" (the butler, maid and chef) to win a million bucks. This week Uncle Mikey (sporting a tan darker than the crew of the Pequod) got to eat in the dining room, while snarling Aunt Donna had to nosh in the kitchen with the rest of the losers. Highpoint: Aunt Donna in the "driving contest" blindly careering into the wooden platform supporting a waxwork George Hamilton. No, wait! That was the real George! The Botox made it hard to tell if he was frightened, injured or even mildly concerned about possibly being flattened by the poiinty-nosed, money-grubbing schoolbus driver. Yes, in New Jersey Aunt Donna pilots a yellow tube of death. God help the kiddies.

"Boy Meets Boy" is down to its final trio - ONE OF WHOM IS STRAIGHT, promises the generic and utterly superfluous Australian hostess. Let's see, would the straight one be the guy who isn't trying to tonsil-tickle our leading man every five minutes? And doesn't Franklin the "wine steward" look like he's about to pop his cork whenever whatshisname gets within Altoid-sniffing distance of the other guys? In the real world, Franklin is the type with "restraining order" written all over his romantic history -- doncha bet?