Summer's reality shows are winding down like a dimestore clock and only "The Amazing Race" is promising anything close to an alarming ending. Will Chip and Reichen beat those snotty little homophobes from Dallas, Kelly and Jon? Aren't you sorry Kelly didn't crash headfirst while rapelling down the side of that building? This show is crisply, brilliantly edited and still packed with suspense week to week. Still feels must-see to me.

And then there's "Big Brother 4." Has any network ever assembled a more homely bunch of goobers in one place? (Not counting the Country Music Awards.) Does anyone care who actually wins? With the teen-throb handsome Nathan evicted -- how did CBS allow THAT to happen? -- there's nobody left to root for. Where's Bunky when you need him? And why does Julie Chen wear sparkly dust on her shoulders -- or is that brain droppings?

Over on MTV, "The Real World/Paris" ranges from tres jolie to just plain quel tragique these days. The housemates seem to have been drawn from an MTV Identi-Kit -- there's the loudmouth chick, the slutty one, the whiner, the drunk guy with bad hair, the sexually confused black guy, the nearly invisible homo (and he's Irish!) and the all-American boy (in this case, an extremely dull-witted, emotionally needy Southerner named, improbably, Ace). Munching Domino's pizza and McDonald's fries, these kids ignore all that is the City of Lights, preferring to oversleep, hang out in the only bar that will allow MTV's crew inside for taping and make a pigsty out of their lovely chateau. Unless one of these kids slaps another one, gets preggers or falls under the tracks of a Metro, there ain't nothing going to make the finale of this RW memorable.

So hooray to ABC for bringing back "The Family." The Sopranos have nothing on the short-limbed, oily clan from Jersey now squabbling over the $1 million prize. With over-plucked Aunt Donna X'd out of the final picture, Uncle Michael is the only hope for that side. It's up to the cute baldy cousin quietly to outsmart him (that shouldn't be difficult) and make off with the loot. Best moment this week: mulish Dawn Marie shrieking in fear during her "panic attack" in the lifeboat floating in knee-deep water. Drown her! Hit her with the oar like a rogue pod whale! What this show desperately needs is a better butler, say Paul Hogan from "Joe Millionaire."

Somewhere right now, that lunk from "Joe Millionaire" is looking at his own reflection in a car window, pondering the vagaries of short-lived reality show stardom. Zora? Where are you, hon?